The Louvre is the most visited museum in the world. We’ve all seen images of its iconic glass pyramid entrance. We’ve all heard of The Mona Lisa.
Sure, some people believe that one work of art is no greater than another, but they’re wrong. I mean, when you walk through the Louvre, every room has a sign that says, “Mona Lisa, this way!” So what does that tell you? All the rest is bullshit.
And that’s almost true. But The Mona Lisa isn’t the greatest work of art in the Louvre. What is?
Dog Made of Nails.
However, one does not simply walk straight to Dog Made of Nails. A process must be followed.
Do not skip any steps.
To enter the Louvre, one needs to pre-purchase a ticket for a specific time of day. Only at the appointed time will you be allowed to stand in line for at least an hour with hundreds of others only to have some French people cut in line at the last moment.
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France is a largely Catholic country, and in the Catholic tradition, one need not cultivate a keen internal sense of right and wrong since the church handily provides a complete system of punishments often applied externally after one is caught committing a sin—but if one is not caught, it’s all good.
As part of the very long line, you shall move slowly like a snake through the Garden of Eden. As you do, look up at the stone buildings surrounding you.
Observe the dozens of life-size statues of famous French men from history. Each statue has a name engraved in stone beneath it. Match the name to the visage and vestment and memorize it—there may be a quiz later where you have to match the statue to the name.
Can you see any female figures amongst the statuary? Yes, beautiful and anonymous female figures do serve as columns holding up parts of the building in a decorative way. Holding up the building is an important job.
As you near the entrance to the glass pyramid, there will be one more chance for French people to cut in front of you, then one submits to a bag check and walks through a metal detector. Not to worry—it doesn’t sense dental implants or metal pins in bones, it’s looking for larger items like knives, shivs, switchblades, handguns, pipe bombs, bayonets, garroting wire, that sort of thing. Fun fact: Bayonets and garroting wire were favorites of the French Foreign Legion.
Inside the museum, there is a second security checkpoint one must pass through, but you’re used to that by now.
I know what you’re thinking. Go straight to Dog Made of Nails, right?
Well, this is like Ikea. One must first walk through about 40% of the museum just to reach the only worthwhile work of art in the place.
As you proceed with the tedium of promenading through gallery after gallery of priceless art, DO NOT IGNORE these works! Only by taking in these lesser works can one truly appreciate Dog Made of Nails.
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I don’t know about you, but when I walk through any art gallery, I’m looking for a work of art that hits me like a ton of bricks. Trouble is, a lot of pre-modern art is like a documentary before the invention of documentaries. Artists were often overly encumbered by having to fit a bunch of narrative into a single gold-leaf frame. And that’s why a lot of paintings are shit.
But here’s a little secret for you artists out there. If anyone grows up in or with the Christian tradition, then any painting of just about any scene from the Bible might hit them like a ton of bricks because they already know the story. You, the artist, are freed to focus purely on the impact of the work.
I think back to a conversation I had in Edinburgh, Scotland, with a longtime writer and producer of Fringe Festival shows.
She told me, “If people have already heard of the subject matter, you can do well. Shakespeare. Some famous person. But if they haven’t heard of the subject or the performer…” She shook her head as if to say that path spells ruination and despair.
I believe Jesus qualifies as “some famous person” — see Life of Brian for reference.
As you’ll see, a very large portion of the art in the Louvre features a crucifixion or other scene from the New Testament. Devotion is one reason. Freedom from exposition is another.
In this century, the Louvre added the Pavillon des Sessions to display artworks from Africa, Asia, Oceania and the Americas. It’s just past a bank of toilettes in a kind of small basement area. It may be difficult to find, but I have faith in you.
Within this unassuming gallery of art representing multiple continents including some France colonized, one finds Dog Made of Nails.
One notices that each of the nails is hand-forged, the way nails might have been for Christ’s crucifixion.
How many nails were used in the crucifixion? Three. Maybe four, tops. Dog Made of Nails has been nailed so many times, he’s made of nails. There’s even a nail driven straight down into the top of his head.
And yet still, the jubilant face. The undeniable joy. The eagerness for connection. The readiness for the next adventure. Or am I just projecting?
Dog Made of Nails is assigned no name other than the categorical appellation of Zoomorphic Statue. I think we can all agree that Dog Made of Nails feels more appropriately descriptive.
The animal was born in Congo, and he was first donated to a museum in 1892, around the time France colonized the African country. There is no information about who made the sculpture, but he belongs to a category of Congolese statues called nkondi.
Apparently, nkondi were often used for the punishing of distant evildoers—in other words, Dog Made of Nails functioned almost like a voodoo doll. This makes me sad for Dog Made of Nails.
In the Catholic tradition, there are Sins of Thought, Sins of Word, and Sins of Deed.
I’ve heard Buddhists frame a similar concept in a positive light as Right Thought, Right Speech, Right Action, and even Right Living. This Buddhist approach seems to place the emphasis on being right rather than merely acting right. It’s an inside-out approach, rather than outside-in.
As one stares at Dog Made of Nails, knowing that each nail was driven into him with bad intentions for another, one wonders if Right Living is available to Dog Made of Nails. And even if it is, who would take him at a rescue shelter?
I like to imagine Dog Made of Nails running up to Christ on a verdant hillside.
Looks like they got you, too, huh? How many nails? Wow, that’s a lot. Come with me, my friend. This is my art studio. You can create anything you want here. Whatever you make, I’m sure it will hit people like a ton of bricks.
